My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
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