so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Even though he had a fractured vertebrae, the sex was still phenomenal. Better than normal actually. I hope the vertabrae never heals.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Randomize
