You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
I want to get back to junior year skinny- without all the drugs.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
