I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
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