If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
