Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
