I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Liquor doesn't fix sad, but it sure as hell lowers my standards for a rebound.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
Randomize
