I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
O.A.R does not stand for Old Recycled Abortions.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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