i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
