She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
