You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
His facebook profile says he's interested in men, but i'm choosing to ignore that
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Randomize
