Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
Aaand now my client contact has seen your boobs.
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
