Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
I like her because we want the same things out of life AND she actually wants to have sex with me.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Definitely woke up.this morning to a random girls head in my toilet and her mom knocking on my door.
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
