he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
A talk about Arizona woman's rights politics has never turned to sex so quickly before.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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