she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
Randomize
