i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
