I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
thus making me awesome and them whores
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
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