if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
i just remembered i drunk watched the brave little toaster last night
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
