Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I haven't been that free with the boobs since I was 19. I'm putting them away for a while.
If you insist
The one guy literally flopped my boob out. Yes I insist.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Randomize
