i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
It's a special occasion. Hence the 151.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
