Do you remember getting into a Delorean last night?
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
