HIV tests are more positive than that guy
Did I miss anything?
A gay irish pirate, a caveman and hunter s tompson.
so we also did drugs
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remember when you gave their 80 year old doorman a line of molly at 5am?
Randomize
