So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
we got blazed and looked up peoples criminal records
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Randomize
