I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
This beer is not sobering me up at all
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
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