1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I saw the video from Saturday. So, how much did I drink for me to think I was a duck and strip my clothes?
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
Randomize
