I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I'm pretty sure I just orgasmned my way out of paying for that weed
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
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