I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
as a self proclaimed hoe im ok with a lotta things but that is not fucking one of them
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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