just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
Randomize
