If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
