life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
There was a sweat stain in the shape of a fast chick with low standard on your bathroom floor
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
Are we still banned from the library?
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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