even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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