She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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