I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
