Hahahhahaha! Oooh get it! Ugh I am so dead but if I go to the lib whuich I will hopefully b havung sex instead, ill hit u up
If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
