Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
