I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
We dont have cups... so were doing shots out of bowls like puppies
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
