I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I successfully navigated a full, lengthy interaction with my dad in which he never asked me if I was freshly baked. 10 points.
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
