proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
