watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't think he liked your vagina hand signal
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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