if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I woke up with Pop Rocks stuck to my ass
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Randomize
