just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
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