Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
She just rubbed her face up and down my six pack cooing. Equal measure of weird and hot.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Side note: the physics of a guy my size and age getting laid in the backseat of a Toyota Camry are absolutely staggering
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Randomize
