there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Is it just me or is Michael Jackson blasting throughout the house
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
why does every cop we meet know your name?
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
