i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
