so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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