There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Thank you for the legal advice. I hope I can pay you in blow jobs.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
