Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Why dose there have to be another girl there for you to do this?
its hotter. Way hotter.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Randomize
