I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I am a murderer. I ran over so many baby frogs. I wanted to stop and pick some up to take home, but all I have is a wine bottle. I'd hate to explain that to a cop.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
This is going to be so stupid, but do you feel the calluses on my hands when I give you a handy?
Randomize
