He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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