i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
he said he's going to burn things and pack his stuff. he may leave tomorrow supposedly but i doubt it
Randomize
